urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil ur worst friend ur worst friend 2007-03-22T18:35:13Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:39598 2007-03-22T18:35:13Z 2007-03-22T18:35:13Z Yea it has been a long time since I've even thought about using this thing and kinda figured I never would again. Does anybody even read these besides me anyway? I just feel like i gotta get something off my chest and scream, AAAHHHHHHHH, metaphorically of course.<br /><br />I'm really confused I don't know if I really knew the meaning of love. I think I always convinced myself otherwise. I always feel mad and hurt and upset. That's not how it's supposed to be is it? uggh. I don't wanna shoot myself in the foot or anything so I'm gonna stop.<br /><br />School doesn't help. I just do enough to get by now. I feel stupid i guess.<br /><br />Ehh i know things will be better no matter what happens I guess. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I wish i could rewrite the story 'cause i don't wanna sing this to the lonely ones. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:39217 2006-09-10T06:05:34Z 2006-09-10T06:05:34Z I really wish I knew where I am going in my life and whom I'm going there with urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:38930 2006-08-18T14:49:48Z 2006-08-18T14:49:48Z I love how life just metaphorically winds up and chucks another ball square at my nose. maybe some day things will happen the way I want because right now I forsee a rough 3 months ahead of me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:38779 2006-06-22T23:54:42Z 2006-06-23T00:02:07Z I shouldn't keep everything bottled up all the time because I just tend to hurt those around me. I can't go on this way. Maybe it's about that time to realize when you need to give up or change your outlook on life. Although the later of the two is way harder... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:38498 2006-05-05T20:08:43Z 2006-05-05T20:08:43Z I hate being home. It is so boring. And I just don't get why I can't be happy here. ever. Maybe I should just go to East Lansing since we have our apartment ready. I mean at least up there I feel slightly less miserable and I'll have a job.<br /><br />Did I mention it is terrible how hard it is to find a job within a 30 mile radius of macomb.<br /><br />alcohol sounds pretty good right now<br /><br />I am so depressed here urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:38328 2006-04-29T04:07:37Z 2006-04-29T04:07:37Z To put it bluntly I feel like getting hit over the head with bricks. I hate finals. Which is weird cuz usually I like taking tests.<br /><br />So I saw my professor to get some help with my practice final exam. We were working on some and he kept telling me how stupid i am and need to study. And after awhile of doing that he told me just to go and study before I saw him again. So I went to class the next day and he asked the same questions I asked him. No one else could answer him and then he looked at me expecting me to answer them. And I am thinking hell no bitch not after you called me stupid 10 times. <br /><br />next week wed. is my last final and I can't wait to get home... and then get a job... and i guess that sounds just as shitty as going to classes.<br /><br />Mixed feelings before finals aren't cool; no comment on this.<br /><br />Sweet dude<br /><br /><br />What if tonight the angels don't fly<br />Then what's left of me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:38127 2006-04-14T04:26:37Z 2006-04-14T04:26:37Z Yea I think it's about time to drop out school. I've had enough of this shit. I've had enough of tim's awkward gayness and i regret ever telling him about the open room on our floor. I regret asking him to move into our apartment next year. I regret seeing him. This little bitch has some nerve. And this mentor sees us arguing and also has some nerve to fucking gawk. so i shut the door in his face. So i say sorry yet this little bitch threatens to write me up. He can suck my dick. He became a mentor becuz he was too fucking poor to pay for his education. He should be cleaning the scum off my shoes. As i kick him into a pile of godshit. Get a fucking real job cunt. I swear to god I will pulverize that bitch next time he looks at me. <br /><br />This fucking bitch disgusts me so I walk away as he mocks me, this is something i cant take lightly so i confront him and tell him he looks like a fucking mess and he needs to wipe this huge ass snot he has coming out of his nose walk away and call him my bitch. End of story. Don't think i'll hesitate. I'm pretty crazy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:37674 2006-03-21T20:26:18Z 2006-03-21T20:26:18Z april sixth Coming home this weekend and i'm thinkin i pretty much am open for anything, got no plans yet. Besides hanging out with iggy every day probly haha. Anyway i'm game for partying and up since I will have taken exams for all 3 of my hardest classes this week. Already had calc today, and i'm hoping i did decent so i dont fail.<br /><br />Meh. I need to keep my mouth shut on here cuz some peeps are all about fueling the fire and causing shit. Yup. Bastards. <br /><br />The one thing i'm lookin forward to is summer. And its takin too long.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />If only my love could be with you<br />I'll break you away from me<br />Cuz I don't care urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:37507 2006-03-17T03:53:53Z 2006-03-17T03:54:21Z tomorrow is st. Patty's day so you know what that means you crazy kids. Oh yea time to get trashed at noon haha. beer pong could be pimp.<br /><br />First week back was pretty sweet, went by decently fast. I didn't have to present in my group project i've been bitching about which was sweet =P.<br /><br />I guess I don't have much interesting to say. Break turned out pretty sweet; got beat up quite a bit, but other than that twas good.<br /><br />Can't wait til summer, Gonna try one of my get rich schemes out called "get a job." Plus I'll actually get to spend quality time with natalie which has been hard to come by.<br /><br />Whelp time for hmwk. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:37261 2006-03-09T06:18:28Z 2006-03-09T06:19:17Z I'm started to think that gambling is evil<br /><br />I've lost like 7 games of poker in a row and about 4 of them I've gotten screwed over in some way shape or form. Since i've lost in poker I've tried scratch to try to redeem myself... not a good idea. Scratch offs are indeed fun but they never work out in the long run.<br /><br />This break hasn't been all that satisfying yet maybe it's because I haven't seen natalie like at ALL... shes either working, at drum line, or sick. When we did hang out tho it was fun, its always fun. hopefully we can actually spend a decent amount of time together before break is over.<br /><br />Anybody got any sweet ideas for things to do cuz I need some.<br /><br />also i started my hmwk so wears my damn award.<br /><br />And now I'm shaking<br />I hope I'm making<br />perfect sense so place your bets<br />to see where I end up<br />and oh my god this place is so messed up<br />Rip me apart to see my insides<br />compose myself I'm not secure<br />and dont believe <br />a single thing that you have heard<br />and throw my pride into this fire<br />my confidence is dead I'm tired<br />I'm giving up<br /><b>I won't burn out, I'll just burn up<b></b></b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:37032 2006-02-26T22:10:14Z 2006-02-26T23:48:56Z i stand for love<br />and i stand for us<br /><br />yea... fuck yea.<br /><br />Theres too many shades of grey covering me everyday.<br /><br />So I got a headache and I can't do any homework cuz I can't even force myself to concentrate. This sucks. oh yes does it suck.<br /><br />On the plus side I have my spring break next week, so thats just frickin amazing. Probly do nothing cuz you high school kids are at school half the day. And you college kids are going somewhere or working. But idc i am just happy to get to put everything bothering me out of my mind... yeah that sounds amazing. <br /><br />I wish I was smart in calculus cuz I really want to stay in engineering. maybe something will happen and I'll be a calc genius. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:36645 2006-02-24T06:25:45Z 2006-02-24T06:25:45Z *I got a notice that i'm going to fail out of calc<br />*my girlfriend doesn't even love me/ respond to my calls<br />*75% of my friends are either assholes or completely forgot about me<br />*i just blew up on about half of the kids on my hall<br />*my computer is acting retarted and needs to go blow a big one<br /><br />^^ Care to add to the list<br /><br />I can study for hours and hours and retain close to no information I read. i have seriously become ADD and have severe depression with angry outbursts of rage. I can only convince myself that tomorrow will be a better day so many times. Yea pathetic isn't it? I need outta here. I hate being here. I don't know if I want to even come back next year. I wish I could come to a huge university and take slap ass social sciences like the rest of the dumb asses here, but my dad would never allow it. I'm easier than ever to manipulate, I will do just about anything someone will tell me to do. &lt;&lt; I'm above the influence!<br /><br />Well off to fail another few classes tomorrow!<br /><br />I write in a fucking livejournal when I'm depressed. How fucking ridiculous is that?<br /><br />How was everyone elses day? (insert answer)... well thats just fucking great.<br /><br /><br /><br />All i want is to be with you<br />minutes of me and you<br /><br />you say it's worth the pain<br />well sometimes it is? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:36465 2006-02-14T02:41:05Z 2006-02-14T02:41:05Z kid playing trumpet next door You look at me and breathe that heavy sigh you always do<br />Should I know what it means?<br />My best guess would be to think of me and how I think of you<br />The sigh is the strands of devotion, that which <u>tie me to you</u>.<br /><br />The knock on your window in evening hours never disturbed you<br />And the time you thought I was this crazy stalker<br />Its hard to believe where we've gone from there<br />Nights of memories like, "<u>I just died in your mouth tonight</u>." (heh)<br />I sit on your bed wishing I was here to stay<br />So kiss me just a little longer... so I can be here to stay<br /><br />This is for my best friend... and my girlfriend<br />You never had to claim me cuz I was already yours<br />Is this our sign? Like how it <u>rains</u> when we're together<br />Rock shows and crowd surfing followed by car rides where you rested your head on mine<br />I wished we could have drove all night<br /><br />The knock on your window in evening hours never disturbed you<br />And the time you thought I was this crazy stalker<br />Its hard to believe where we've gone from there<br />Nights of memories like, "<u>I just died in your mouth tonight</u>."<br />I sit on your bed wishing I was here to stay<br />So kiss me just a little longer... so I can be here to stay<br /><br />so kiss me just a little longer...<br /><br /><br />I love you natalie! Happy valentines day =]<br /><br />Well this is something I wrote. I like to pretend I'm good at writing lyrics so if this really is bad don't make fun of me =P. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:36293 2006-02-05T20:59:38Z 2006-02-05T20:59:38Z Grr I hate hate hate school. I dread going to my classes cuz I can't even pay attention to them anymore. And if you think high school speech class is bad, we'll I gotta do a presentation in front of 210 people. Fuck thats shit. Seriously I should not even have to put up with this nonsense with what I wanna do. <br /><br />Well this weekend was pretty interesting. And I can't wait until some cool people come and visit so I can have some more sweet weekends. <br /><br /><br />Also I hate football and the superbowl. I have a feeling that i'm not going to be able to get shit done tonight.<br /><br /><br />On a side not I completely miss my #1. Is it completely biased for me to say that she is the most b-e-a-utiful person on earth.<br /><br /><br />It rains in heaven all day long, and I just wanted to tell you, "I'm miserable here without you." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:35998 2006-01-28T15:54:51Z 2006-01-28T15:54:51Z saosin Please speak softly so they don't know that we don't trust them.<br />Speak up dear cuz I can hardly hear.<br /><br />Ok I'm a liar I'm still emo 75%, maybe I should get some zoloft like for real. I hate college now it makes me emo 80% of the time. Cuz All I do is worry about homework and if i'm gonna fail. I can't wait until summer and especially next year so I can have my own apartment, it'll be better... I hope. <br /><br />Thinks are seriously harder than ever, I can't even describe them. I've been a downward funk for like 3 years and i'm just waiting for it to stop. i hope it does.<br /><br />So aparently people think I'm whipped... you guys are fuckers go find someone else to talk about.<br /><br />And i just realized the one day i'm up early enough I missed breakfast at burger king... shit.<br /><br />I take the pills to keep me still urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:35762 2006-01-18T01:45:36Z 2006-01-18T01:45:36Z a thorn for every heart You'd think that being a guy with testosterone you wouldn't get offended by the small things... but i do. wtf man. Seriously i've said it before but all my closest friends are at home and it feels like they don't even care half as much as i do. For real, I didnt think we'd grow so far apart to the point where when i'm home (and they damn well know it!) they wouldn't want to hang out with me. Guess I'm crazy like that. At least I have a few people that I know will be there when i'm home, such as my amazing amazing girlfriend =P, and gave me flowers before i left heh. Anyone else I'm slightly disappointed. <br /><br />coming home again in 2 weeks... to those that still care. <br /><br /><a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4435593179243241083&q=fall+out+boy">http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4435593179243241083&q=fall+out+boy</a> right on! sell out bastards.<br /><br />Runaway, run from this, i'll take the pain for the two of us.<br /><br />i'll light a fire up under ur ass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:35580 2006-01-09T14:42:42Z 2006-01-09T14:42:42Z mae I am completely satisfied. Dare I say it, I am even happy for once. I got this girlfriend who tells me she loves me, but I love her so much and I have for the longest time. She even visited me to see me off to school =]. i love you natalie<br /><br />Its time to get with the game and do things right this time at school. I know this semester will go well cuz I got everything in my life centered, the good and the bad; the yin and the yang... something cool like that. Either way I am focused for this year. My classes seem easier compared to last semester but we'll see how that'll turn out.<br /><br />Also being sick sucks. I was sick for the last 3 days of break and I couldn't even move. At least it wasn't mono, my goal is to avoid that cuz it comes back to haunt you when u get old. but yea.<br /><br /><br />Let's figure this out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:35154 2005-12-31T18:14:19Z 2005-12-31T18:51:51Z Not to be a bulletin announcing the news it brings but I got something really important to me and am extremely happy =] =]. Yay macomb is good after all.<br /><br />Played poker at kristin's house and it was the longest most boring game of poker i've ever played. There were three tables and top 2 from each table advanced to the final table me and natalie knocked out our whole table in like 45 minutes (and about 66.6% of the people that played, 15 people) and waited for seriously 3 hours cuz no one else at the other tables were kncoked so I joined another table and made the magic happen. All I can say was what a mess. Hopefully your as bored reading that as I was sitting waiting last night =P.<br /><br />New years eve tonight I hope none of you punked out on your new years resolution, if u did u stil got 10 hours and 50 minutes to do it... so well do it! (starsky and hutch do it, if u know what i'm talkin about).<br /><br />Anyway I'm goin over natalies tonight and i guess i get a couple beers lol. which i found kinda funny. yay should be fun.<br /><br />** add on **<br />I got 3.0 gpa not good, dads not gonna be happy. Probly be paying for a class. On the bright side I passed human genetics phew. <br /><br /><br />I've got a girlfriend who tells me she needs me,<br />and she loves me. we'll probly get married,<br />and everyone will bite their tongues so hard they bleed. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:34997 2005-12-29T17:51:20Z 2005-12-29T17:51:20Z I feel absolutely paranoid and it's been going on for the past few days. I think I'm gonna wind up in the hospital or something worse is going to happen... only I have no idea what it is. I can't get my thoughts/feelings/words straight. I can only tell myself so many times I'm doing the right thing or I'm on the right track in life and believe. I am ignorant. Ignorant to the world around me sometimes.<br /><br />Promises aren't forever but make them last as long as you can or else it's no better than a lie.<br /><br /><br />home by three<br />deafening quiet<br />the porchlights off cuz they forgot it<br />she'd cry herself to sleep but she don't dare<br />and she wants to be in my room<br />and she wants to hear she's beautiful, she's beautiful<br />I wanna save you, I wanna save you<br />I need you to save me too, save me too urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:34652 2005-12-24T05:04:57Z 2005-12-24T05:04:57Z First off I just want to say I'm pissed. I actually want to try to make a living off of poker if at all possible. I know how cliche is that I'm a kid with a dream frickin adorable. I mean what self-respecting girl would take a guy who has ambitions like mine seriously. She'd be broke all the time.<br /><br />Well I'm feelin pretty broke right about now I am way too loose with my money compared to what I used to be. And not too mention I have hit the biggest low of games of poker ever. I think I'm started to seriously rack up a $50 deficit. Yea I know that's alot and I'm p/oed. <br /><br />Seriously how great would it be to enter the WSOP and take a first place victory. I am convinced one day I'll try and hope the momentum swings my way. That's be nice. First of all someone that could be there for me and appreciate what I'd do would be nice. <br /><br />Anyway I might have something going good for me so I hope all is well. Lets see.<br /><br /><br />Light that smoke, yeah, one for giving up on me<br />and one just cause they'll kill you sooner than my expectations<br />too my favorite liar<br />too my favorite scar<br />I could have died with you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:34477 2005-12-17T07:18:21Z 2005-12-17T07:18:21Z Macomb = boring so I made a myspace since everyone is too good for livejournal now =P<br /><a href="http://myspace.com/notoriousfil">http://myspace.com/notoriousfil</a> So add me cuz I have 56k and it literally takes 2 minutes to add 1 person meaning thats a waste of friggen time!!<br /><br />Definately need a pic and I dont got a camera so if any one happens to have a random pic or would like to hang out and get me a sweet pic I will love you for life and maybe even give you a kiss. maybe. also need a background and too lazy to figure out how to do that =]<br /><br />So I was talking to joe about how people changed while I was away and decided that everyone has for the most part. They associate with new people and it seems like the groups I was a part completely fell apart along with the bonds we had. Very true after thinking about it I really have 2 friends that havent lost those bonds since we've been seperated, joe and iggy. Mostly everyone else is still sweet tho but there a few in the bunch who need a good reality check before I'm done with them.<br /><br />Have a strong feeling the break is not gonna live up to what I want it too. meaning depressive tendencies here we go. I hate the nonsense I have to deal with here.<br /><br />Anyway I'm obviously home so let's do stuff cuz i'm easily bored here.<br /><br /><br />How did he come to this,<br />His mind is working harder then ever before, <br />Thousands of thoughts in seconds,<br />His last thoughts were of her...<br />And how he and he alone had destroyed the once<br />vibrant spirit he had inherited so deeply.<br />The last pain he had ever caused is to the only<br />woman that had ever loved him...<br /><br />Bright light is calling me upward. (All alone)<br />I follow and leave you below (A ghost for now)<br />Now you're all alone. (All alone)<br />And I leave you with nobody by your side. (A ghost for now)<br />Not to hurt you ever again (All alone)<br />Never break your spirit for me. (A ghost for now)<br />Now I'm all alone. (All alone)<br />Still cherish the things that you have given to me. (A ghost for now)<br />Bright light is calling me upward (All alone)<br />I follow and leave you below (A ghost for now) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:34163 2005-12-03T06:42:07Z 2005-12-03T06:42:07Z so lets just say i'm completely wasted and I heard some rumors... so natalie is apparently using me so she can hang out with rob in my apartment next year. This is probly some the worst most betraying news ever. i'll also say i dont plan on comin home for awhile, cuz whats left there now? this is pretty shitty and i feel pretty shitty, so umm yea love is a concept a fake concept of the fake human mind and ego and don't ever listen to what ue mind tells you because in the end it will be the death of you. It takes two to tango and it is so true. I'm very very upset just to let you know. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:34047 2005-11-30T01:53:09Z 2005-11-30T01:53:09Z So if i wear girl's pants does that make me emo or just really really weird?<br /><br />don't be jealous cuz its swate (sweet). <br /><br />and for the record I don't.<br /><br />also for the record I'm avoiding homework.<br /><br />But i really did pay $50 for pants today, wtf I feel like an idiot now.<br /><br />I hate loving you, not really but that sounded swate. love is for dieing in anothers arms and why I had to try it. (or mouth but only one person really knows what i'd be talking about)<br /><br />Will tried to choke me.<br /><br />and i'm really doin that hmwk now... maybe. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:33727 2005-11-27T06:30:12Z 2005-11-27T06:30:12Z Everythings weird. This is weird. Weird is weird. Because weird could mean a different variety of things. It could mean things are awkward. It could mean someone is strange. It could mean something is strange. Idk I haven't decided which it is yet. But something is weird.<br /><br />Yea... I really think saying too much else would be crossing the line so I'm gonna stop. and be miserable. Knowing multiple ppl werent happy with me. Thats a good way to end something. isn't it? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:notorious_fil:33329 2005-11-26T07:00:51Z 2005-11-26T07:03:55Z daphne loves derby So Jessica talked some sense into me after being pissed at me. Which i am very sorry for. Sorry to barbara too, didnt mean to get anyone upset. I really wanted to go but I get caught up in things.<br /><br />So basically I got told I am following my ambitions blindly. With no thought of what will come from them. Very true. But does it seem wrong at the time? Everything seems right at the time. Be happy with what you have. Because at the same time something may seem better, is it worth losing what you have. But sometimes what you have isn't right. you know what i'm saying? Idk this is a huge long thought out thing we went through.<br /><br />sigh sigh. I fall in love to easily and stay with it too long.<br /><br />So I had an inspiration to write this and it just flowed. Kinda got inspiration from this book i read.<br /><br /><br />I'll carve our initials on the park oak tree.<br />For history to remember our fake reality.<br />You take a sip from your coffee.<br />Your eyes sparkle as I see them from atop the brim.<br />The heat warms you in more than one way.<br />Isn't it a perfect picture.<br />Us sharing conversation of sweet summer days in a romantic cafe.<br />It's prefect in the way that you love all your friends.<br />And that way you sure do like me alot... or so i fooled myself into thinking so.<br />I'll make you a <u>ROSE</u> out of my love.<br />I'll place it in your hair to let everyone know you are mine, and I am yours.<br />Isn't it a perfect picture. Of heat and perspiration as a kiss you gently on your lips.<br />I am afraid of the unknown, without you.<br />Afraid as if these memories will fade along with you.<br />I told you you're everything now so please don't leave.<br />I wait for you outside of out cafe, the sign of a no-show.<br />The rain drowns my thought and whips back its subtle reality.<br />Like a <u>ROSE</u> being washed into a gutter. <br />The worn and tattered edges falter by fate.